I have a boyfriend (a term I am not inclined to use, but let's call him that for posterity's sake) and we live miles apart. It wasn’t as hard as I thought, but it’s definitely not easier than any of the previous relationships I had. All those were fairly easy, save for the natural inconveniences same-sex couples experience. Compare this relationship to all the others before him? It’s a fucking marathon.
I love him to pieces, I swear I do. But two things I’m quite sure about: first, that he’s shit scare; second, that he’s dead nervous…which are, really, one and the same thing. I don’t blame him. His family is quite conservative, and he's terribly honest. Sometimes, I think he might not love me that much, but let's not get there.
I have a theory though. If I give him just enough love to keep him wanting more, will he take the extra step? If I hold myself a few meters back... will there be a grand epiphany of him loving me a bit deeper? Will there be any difference at all?
So sue me. I am needy. I want attention. I want to take care of him. I want to see him every fucking day. I want to get physical with him, wrestle with each other until we find ourselves naked and making out.
How much longer do I settle for the inchoate and murky promise of living together in the future for a long, long time? How do I know it's not bullshit and that I'm actually moving toward something?
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